Tomorrow Is Another Day

Reader Beware: For those of you who prefer the Katie who is holding it together and handling this so well may want to wait to read another post on another day. 

This whole situation just sucks.  It's completely overwhelming in every way.  It's emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausting for each member of our family.  And what's scary is that I know without a doubt that we are being strengthened by all the faithful prayers being offered in our behalf.  And I feel terribly ungrateful for how angry I feel right now.  I'm not angry at God, or that Luke has cancer per se.  I'm just angry that I can't handle my life, and that I am too exhausted to do anything about it.

My poor baby starting throwing up for the first time this evening.  I got to spend the day with him today, and he seemed like he was doing really well.  We even got some good news that the leukemia cells are no longer in his peripheral blood, so the chemo is doing what we want it to do.  At least it seems that way.  They'll know more when they look at his bone marrow again in a couple of weeks.  Luke seemed to be eating well, and with the exceptions of refusing to nap today, it was a pretty typical day.  I didn't think much of leaving him with Grandma Candy for a few hours while I came home and send Danny up to the hospital.  But it wasn't too long after I left that he threw up the first time, and continued another 3 or 4 times in a 45-minute period of time.  My Mom handled it well, but it was nerve-wracking for her knowing that his vomit had chemo in it.  We have to wear rubber gloves when dealing with any of his waste, and have to wash any soiled clothes separately.  My Mom knew that, but she was worried it was a bigger deal that it actually was. What's worse, is that I just found out that Luke's three blankets (all of which I LOVE) that were on the bed with him when he threw up somehow got put into the hospital laundry system and there's a very good chance we won't see them again.  Grrr...

Danny got to the hospital as soon as he could, and Luke was very happy to see his Daddy!  They had him cleaned up and comfortable before Danny got there, and as far as I've heard his stomach has stayed settled. He even drank his 9 o'clock bottle.  We had taken him off one of the anti-nausea meds yesterday because he just didn't seem to be suffering from any of that.  Guess we were wrong.  So, they have him back on his Zofran.  Hopefully we can get back on top of things, and my poor Luke won't have to throw up anymore. I'm happy his Daddy is there tonight.  Luke loves his Daddy.

And I'm sitting here next to Johnny wearing his Batman mask, NOT sleeping like he should be, and a huge pile of the girls' clean clothes that really needs to get folded.  I haven't cooked dinner for my family in three weeks, and we've only eaten thanks to the incredible graciousness of a ward that barely knows us.  Eventually, I'm going to need to start shopping and cooking for our family again, but I can't even begin to wrap my mind around that.  Where will I find the time?  There's literally no time in my schedule for cooking...

This white board is how we live our life right now.  A constant shuffle of who is at the hospital and who is with the kids, and the time it will take for each person to get to each place and what car they're taking.  I try to have it scheduled out for the coming three days, which seems like it should be totally doable.  Most of the time, though, I only have the next day figured out.  

Then there's our blogs.  I want desperately to record this incredible journey.  There's so much I haven't written yet, like how we ended up in the hospital, how we came to a diagnosis, what that diagnosis even is, how it has continued to evolve, and what Luke's treatment plan looks like.  There are so many incredible experiences and tender mercies that I want recorded.  And there are still a few posts from the last month that I want to get up on our family blog.  

I had great goals of getting serious about getting this baby weight off.  I only have 30 or so pounds to get off. :)  But if there wasn't time to fit in a work out regime, no matter how small, there certainly isn't time now.  We're eating out at least once a day in our scurry from hospital to home and back again, and that doesn't touch the emotional eating.  There may or may not be a box of cookie dough that is half eaten in my freezer.  No, none of them were made into cookies.  And yes, it is a Costco box of Otis Spunkmeyer Chocolate Chunk Cookies.  Curse you, Otis. 

And then there's a little thing called CHRISTMAS!!!  I couldn't possibly care less about this holiday season, to be perfectly honest.  There's just so little left of me and Danny to put together a happy holiday for our kids.  We know it's important, and we want to give them the memories they deserve.  They are such incredible kids, and Santa can't possibly find fault with them.  But even online shopping is exhausting.  Sigh.

And I miss my Sweetheart.  I miss sleeping in the same bed!  We get 3 to 4 nights a week, which is a huge blessing.  Our parents are taking on such a huge load, and spending nights with Luke so we can be home sometimes.  But I really miss our evenings together, watching a little TV and then getting ready for bed.  I miss laying next to each other in the dark and going through what was literally a nightly ritual of talking about how incredible our children are, how much we love them, and how immensely we are blessed.  We still talk about our blessings, it just has something of a more somber feeling to it right now.

I don't mean all of this to seem like we aren't so incredibly grateful and humbled by the love and support of our family and friends, and the tender mercies of a loving Heavenly Father and Savior.  Because those feelings are very real, and to be fair are the over-riding feelings most of the time.  Speaking of tender mercies, Danny just text me this picture, along with letting me know that we found his blankets after all...

This sweet little guy of mine is such a good example to me.  He's the one fighting cancer.  He's the one that spent the afternoon throwing up the poison we have to put in his sweet little body.  He's the one doing the hardest part, and yet while I'm complaining, he's smiling.  And when he smiles, I can't help but smile a little, too.  I love my Luke, and I'd have him all over again even knowing what I know.  I'd do it all over again a hundred times to have that smile.  

Tomorrow will be another day, another day to fight this disease inside of him.  And another day to love each other and see how much our Savior loves us.  But I suppose I should go to bed before tomorrow comes. :)

Until tomorrow then...or maybe the next day. :)