Treatment Day 35 : Poems About Puking.

In program we do a project that's called ED vs Authentic Self. I'm nowhere near artistic so I wrote. I used to write poems in high school and tried sharing them with my mom but they just freaked her out.



Lovely.



It felt good to write again, here's what I came up with today.

This is my pre-treatment self

I'm bent over the toilet, my rings are scattered on the floor

I swore I wouldn't do this anymore.



My heart races, my eyes water

But my determination never falters



I clasp the porcelain for support

and purge all of the hurt



I deserve the pain, the bloodshot eyes

The teeth marks on my hands tell no lies



I am weak, I am enslaved

I am addicted, I can't be saved



I wipe my mouth and take a breath

Oh that's lovely, I feel calm at last

Then here's the middle...my treatment self.

Ed and I are talking.

Who do you think you are

Like you've really come so far



I am strong, I am not weak

It is me, not you I seek



Silly girl, you created me

So in your heart I'll always be



No you were in my head, not my heart

It is life not death I want



Life without me is nothing at all

With no legs to stand on you will fall



I may be on the ground, on my knees

But it is here where I can pray to my God, to someone who really loves me.

This is who I want to be, hopefully, one day.

I can't see what's in front of me

But i know here is where I should be



One foot follows the last

I'm walking away from the past



I feel sure in my actions

But my head tries pulling me in another direction



I'm not sure what's right-what's wrong

But the old me is long gone



There's hope, there's life

That comes from strife



I have this light, this serenity

That comes from just being me