Adult Children of Divorce - How to Cope

Most people these days have some understanding of the emotional trauma that children undergo when their parents divorce. Because of the increase of divorce during the 80's much of the latest research has focused on adult children of divorce - both those who were young when their parent's divorced and those who are adults dealing with a parent's divorce.

What has been very telling in the latest research is the finding that adults who's parent's have long since divorced report having unresolved feelings that directly relate to the early family break-up. Many report still feeling partly responsible for their parent's divorce, and most report having had much difficulty in their adult life forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

Another interesting finding is that for those who are adults at the time of their parent's divorce, the feelings of confusion, fear, guilt and insecurity are much the same as they are for children who's parents divorce. They worry about family gatherings and who will be upset if the adult child spends time with the other parent. They feel torn in their desire to remain loyal to both parents. They fear loosing the love or the relationship with one or both parents. Overall, the feelings, the trauma and the discomfort remains the same - just the level of understanding differs.

Here are some ways that adult children can begin to cope:

* The adult child should firmly, but lovingly, refuse to be drawn into the middle of the conflict.

* Don't get involved in their financial arrangements or invite one parent to live with you during their transition.

* The adult child needs to have a well developed support network that allows a "safe" place to let out feelings and to recieve helpful input.

* Grieving is normal! you need to allow yourself times to cry, times to vent, and times to feel sad. It's OK.

* It's important to work on forgiving your parents weaknesses and faults. A little understanding and reasonable expectations go a long way toward healing.

* Family gatherings are important. However, some of them may need to be adjusted to meet the changed family situation. Be flexible.

* Create your own traditions and family activities. This helps the healing process and strengthens the family ties.

* Spend positive time together at the new family gatherings. Find fun things to do to help deal with stress and to begin rebuilding.

* If angry feelings bubble to the surface when family is together politely excuse yourself and later let the family know that you refuse to be involved in any type of gossip or angry banter against other members of the family.