Tomorrow is the second Sunday of May--Mother's Day. 
I think this is the first year in which I don't feel any repressed anger towards my mom. 
Every year, when May rolled in, I had to deal with mixed feelings about being sad that she died on the 7th, being resistant to appreciating mother's day, and again my feelings towards my mom being evoked on my very birth date, the 28th. 
I haven't spoken much about my mom to many people. Only that she died when I was 6, of cancer. What most people don't know is that her death had liberated me from terror and torture. I am sorry to say that sometimes death of a person can be a positive thing in someone's life. 


Starting this program in Counselling, however, has been extremely beneficial in dealing with my issues from the past. I've met people who've had dark pasts but are fighting every day to stay in the present and not let the negativity control them. I've also had to do some paperwork and further research into my family history which have been extremely helpful in defusing my anger towards my parents. 
The crucial information that came to light only recently was that my mother's parents were divorced and that her irrational behavior began after being diagnosed with cancer. My father regretted that I had not known her earlier. He didn't date anyone or re-marry after her death after all, which means there was something irreplaceable about her. I, too, remember laughing and spending good times with her. She couldn't have been a lump of evil. My sister had also found her diary in which she expressed her desire to raise us in a family unlike her's. She wanted us to have a 'happy home to come home to.' She failed... and for years and years I was just so angry at her. Granted, it was only several years after her death that I was old enough to comprehend that what she had done to us was not our fault or from us misbehaving. But as kids we believed, we were convinced, that we were really really bad. 


But knowing her intentions, knowing how lonely and scared she must have felt being indirectly told that she was going to die, being hospitalized and helpless, having a husband who was rarely home from long hours of work, and knowing she still had two little girls to raise, suddenly I felt so sad. I want to hug her if she were still alive. And that is a huge, evolutionary step for me, to even have any affection for her. I feel like today is an appropriate day to show that I have let go of my rage against my mother. This time it is not like two years ago, when I visited her grave and told her I forgive her. That was more like "I forgive you, but I still don't know what to do with my anger." This time I think it's for real. 


It is in knowing how complicated (simple?) human psychology is that I don't and never will believe in 100% truths or seeing things in black or white when it comes to human behaviort. I don't even believe in looking back in atrocious events in human history such as the holocaust or the gruesome murder stories I used to always hear in the news back in Japan and say the Nazis, the SS, or the murderers are 'evil'. When someone hurts another being, they are lacking in empathy. It is a problem with the affect and affect is physiological. Most people who snap or commit mass murder usually have some tragic history in their lives; they aren't capable of feeling for others or seeing things from another person's perspective. 


To go a litle off tangent, that is probably why I have been struggling to stay level-headed with a Christian the past few months because he believes in evil and God's spirits. It is very demeaning for me that someone views something so deep-rooted to the human psyche as some manifestation of an evil spirit or the Holy spirit. I believe in 'earthly' explanations to mostly anything. Then, on top of that, he has mentioned how one's 'conscience' needs to be properly nurtured. This is a didactic stance, and all the more authoritarian when it comes from a Christian who believes the Bible as absolute. I could not hide my resentment towards him because I automatically associated his approach with tyrannical parents who do that to their children. They tell them that they are bad for doing such and such and good for getting an A in math for example. They get to decide what to teach their kids and take advantage of their ignorance. The 'knower' teaches the 'ignorant'. In the same way, some Christians take advantage of the ignorant, confused, and lost, and tell them x, y, and z are sins. That their nature itself is sinful. My mother also made me believe that I was sinful, by nature. 
In one another occasion, I have felt annoyed at his 'solution' to treating child soldiers who have been through so much trauma. He wished to 'save' them by pointing out that we are all sinners--each and every one of us--but that that was OK because God would absolve them should they show enough faith and repentance. Repentance, guilt, remorse are words I despise. It's been drilled in me, and the apologetic culture of Japan (which I shamefully perpetuate) also disgusts me. It is passivity and docility that fail to protect, and repentance for one's nature just undermines autonomy, which is something I value. 


I've gotten along with so many Christians and I still do, but when I speak to him I feel a chill rush through me and sometimes get scared of him. I think my past gets automatically evoked because he is so passionate about challenging his fellow Christians to be a true Christian who would gladly suffer for Jesus and wishes to enlighten them or to point out their contradicting behavior. The more he strives to spread 'true' Christianity and strives to become one, the more he triggers my (emotions) physiological responses. Cognitively, I understands that we have dissimilar 'core' values, and I believe in 'live and let live', but somehow he knows how to push my buttons. 


Now what's obvious here is that I am probably not completely 'over' my past if such things can still evoke similar resentment I had against my parents. But these emotions are hard-wired and all I can do is manage them--not erase them. And it's been improving every year. 


If my mother were alive today though, I would have loved to send her a flower or a gift and to wish her a happy mother's day. Again, this is the first year since 1995 that I've felt like this--it's kind of a big deal for me :]