Girl~ I need a girl~
뭘 해도 이쁜 몸매도 이쁜~

"I GOT IT that i still didnt get it!"
+
Many Negative, Bad, EVIL thoughts to live.
Those above, was what i thought since i told Sis Changs " i got it" till a moment ago [in the bus]
Honestly,
Till a moment ago,
I was still lying that i got it.
I intended to.. *evil stuffs*
I still cant get it, still dont understand.
I hate to admit to anything or get back to anything when i dont even understand whats up.

But,
I think i got it.
While dozing off in the bus,
I suddenly thought,
I shouldnt do this anymore [evil plans],
I realised that i am doing this,
Probably because,
I cant admit that i am inconsiderate and failed to care for people who cared for me.
I cant take it,
My bads i mean.
I realised that i had been seeking for perfection and goodness too much till i just reach a point [the peak] of not being able to accept my bads anymore.
I thought,
I was like this the past too,
But how come i am so affected now,
I realised i only started to be more aware of myself and think more when i came to poly;
While,
In sec, i dont even remember me thinking soo much.
And now, reached the peak,
Its like,
People keep calling you stupid,
Its only a matter of time,
You lose it.
Probably, like what some of the folks say,
I am trying to protect myself,
Or i should say,
Trying to cover myself!
Gosh,
I was so desperate to be good until i crap out "reasoning" [excuses] to cover up,
Unconsciously.

I want to be good,
I want to be gentlemanly,
I want to be filial,
I want to be successful,
I want to be friendly,
I want to be approachable,
I want to be.. I want to be..
I want too much already.
And when i got it, i never wish to lose them.
And this incident, i was pinpointed out that i failed at "Consideration" and "Care".
My "Lust" and "Pride" consumed me at the very moment.

So when my sins blinded me,
I became aggressive to cover up,
And cant accept anymore,
And desperately try to get out of this mess;
While still looking good.
Bro Shuns forgave me,
But i still cant accept its my fault,
I unconsciously said i need time to think.
I think i was trying to have more time to think of ways to get out of this mess.
Gosh!

So basically,
I realised its My Lust that got me unable to let go this time.
And i also realised the previous incident i experience,
Its because that i wasnt at fault in the first place that made me got out of that mess still looking good.
So i have gotten this misconception:
Hey I experience this before,
I KNOW ALOT~
I CAN HANDLE~
But in fact, it wasnt much at all.
So this time its the real stuff,
Unable to handle because its my fault,
Failed to satisfy my lust of looking good,
And i fell into the pit of darkness.
Thanks to all the Big brothers and Big sisters that still tried to hold on to me.

I think its fate,
Everytime when i have a problem,
People around me will start to say stuff related to my problem, naturally.
Then i will use those advices to solve them quietly.
Now i recalled,
A while ago, during the incident,
My dad did talk about:
If you are at fault, apologise and learn from your mistake.
At that time, i THOUGHT i already know as he said that many many times.
Blinded by my lust, i didnt think of it as a hint.
Then,
Yesterday,
I suddenly thought of the 7 deadly sins.
So i thought its nice, so i post in the blog.
Didnt think much, Its a hint on Lust and Pride.
And another case,
If i didnt tried to pretend i am fine and i got it today,
Things would get even worst.
And if Sis Changs didnt explain to Bro Shuns about what i meant,
He get the wrong idea, and this is all over.
And the lyrics i saw:
"A worsening pain is hidden behind the smile you forcefully showed.
Thats why I pretend not to notice.
I choose to restart from scratch."
I probably misunderstood the hint: "Scratch"
Its not start from scratch in friendship,
But start from scratch with myself and my thoughts.
So i guess its all fate.
Fated for things to not getting worse,
Fated for me not to fall into Lust and become a terrible and rotten person,
Fated for all this love and care to not end.

Now i am confident to say,
This is the last page,
I saw THE END.

My growth,
I guess its just started,
May the light guide me to maturity.

I shall hold on to you guys,
Till i am able to stand on my own,
My Big Brothers And Sisters.