When you first meet people, there is the standard course of etiquette. Then there is the awesome course of etiquette. I feel it is important to distinguish between the two, since they are not nearly the same. Here's what I mean:
Names: Standard etiquette requires telling people your first and last names, and then shaking hands. This is entirely boring and forgettable. You have to remember that the person you're meeting probably has a really small brain, so awesome etiquette dictates that you should help him by scrawling your name in permanent marker on the back of his hand. Tattooing a picture of your face under your name is also encouraged.
Small talk: The next step in meeting new people is, invariably, small talk. Standard etiquette says you have to discuss horrid mundane stuff, such as weather and hobbies. This is a seriously bad idea. Awesome etiquette says that during the small talk phase, you should verbally agree upon how much effort you're going to put into this relationship. This usually means figuring out if you would be interested in dating the person you're talking to (and if s/he'd be interested in dating you). How do you do that? By saying something extremely subtle, like, “I'm single. How 'bout you?” or, “I totally have a significant other right now.” Trust me, this will clear things up for later.
Silence: At some point, you will reach the awkward silence. Standard etiquette is actually acceptable in this case, since it involves making the awkward turtle (or whatever animal you're supporting this month). Awesome etiquette is...well, more awesome. It requires staring soulfully into your new acquaintance's eyes, until s/he awkwardly asks what the heck you're doing. Then you should mumble something about eyes being the windows to the soul. If the person is worth your time, s/he will laugh.
Sharing info: After all of this, you will come to the goodbye. In the course of the goodbye, one of you will ask for the other's contact info. Standard etiquette requires actually giving the other person your phone number, email, IM name, and social security number. Awesome etiquette requires giving the other person the rejection hotline number, whether you actually want to stay in touch with him/her or not. If the person really wants to find you, s/he can stalk you on the internet. Think of this as a test of his/her sense of humor and dedication to your newfound friendship.
Good luck!
Are you awesome or awkward when you meet new people?
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