Treatment Day 47 : Anorexic baker faces demons in the kitchen

So I get home, to my parents' house, I haven't been here in
3 months.

The first thing I want to do when I walk in is eat.

I'm sick and have a head / ear ache and food is usually what
I turn to to make me feel better. Plus being home sparks thousands of memories
of binges and food. It's crazy that my mind can make me feel like I haven't
eaten all day the moment I walk into my house, even though I ate an hour ago.

So to distract myself I go to watch the newest episodes of
Sons of Anarchy but the news comes on when I turn on the tv.

I see the words "calories" "purge"
"73 BPM" – I know immediately this story is about an eating disorder.

I watch this girl's story http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Anorexic-baker-at-home-in-the-kitchen-176536101.html
and am not sure what I feel.

I'm disgusted with how the news shows this girl. Showing her
weight on TV, really it'll just make more girls want to be anorexic and turn to
disorders to try to lose weight—because they see it works. And I'm sickened by
how Camilla blogs about her calorie intake
and exercise regimen. But then again it's not her that I'm disgusted with—it's
her Ed. I see the pride that goes into saying how little she ate, how low her
blood pressure is, how small she is—telling the world that she's under a
hundred pounds.

But then again I wouldn't
have said this two months ago. I would have envied her discipline. And the fact
that she looked so pretty on the news. Why can't I get attention for my
disorder-says my disorder.

Now I'm someone that's
healthy or getting there—getting to where she needs to be—where she can be and
at the same time I'm where she's been.

This girl couldn't afford
treatment so she (ironically) baked cookies and sold them via her blog to help
raise money.

"One cookie at a
time, Camilla raised $7,000 dollars. That's enough for one week at Utah's
Center for Change. But Camilla needs six months, first to get healthy."

As soon as I heard those words I got up from my spot on the
couch and my mom stopped me.

"Are you ok? What are you doing?"

"I'm not sure what I feel right now, I just need to help
her."

So here I am writing about her story and how it intertwines
with my story.

I don't know this girl but I probably know her better than most
of her friends and family do. I know the way her mind works. I know the feeling
of not being able to stop, the feeling of wanting to disappear, of being
unworthy and of not understanding when people compliment you. I know having
good days when you seem you have it under control just to find the next day Ed
has won again.

It sickens me that others have this disease. We have a new girl in treatment that's 15 and another one who is a grandma. I don't wish this disease on anyone and yet I have it.

My heart aches for Camilla and yet is so damn proud of her.
She's defying Ed just like I am. And for once I can kind of give myself the
same grace and say that I'm proud of me too.

So please read her story, and donate to her treatment—her life.

God bless