Intensive Out Patient : I AM OK?

I'm really anxious and i don't know why.
i'm shaking and I don't know why.
I am sick to my stomach and I don't know why.



There is so much that goes on in my day now I can't process it all.



I forget to check in with myself instead of going through the motions.



Being self-aware is weird.



I used to just numb out by eating at work or refusing to eat at work. Or going on walks. Or well just working. Now I don't do that. Now I'm semi-aware of what's going on in my head.



THERE'S JUST SO MUCH.


I have to keep reminding myself I AM OK.



This morning I woke up in a downer mood for whatever reason and I had to think about it and go - "oh I'm ok, nothing is wrong." I just had another weird dream that I don't remember.



Then at work I get anxious about a sale I'm writing but calm down by being mindful-just sticking to what I'm doing and that's all I have to do right now.



Then I get overwhelmed with how fucking happy I am to be back. I watch my coworkers in a new way (WELL THAT'S CREEPY) but I mean I used to read their minds. I used to tell myself what they were thinking about me, even though each one was not even looking at me. I would convince myself that they hated me and here's why. I was so twisted.



Now it's like a weight has been lifted, my eyes are open and I can just breathe. IT IS SO WEIRD. It is so weird to not be over-analyzing. To not be so focused on what I look like, I can eat next, what I just ate or when I can leave to work out.



But it's hard to do this. I catch my mind going into old patterns. This healthy thing is uncomfortable. But I also am reminded daily about how uncomfortable I was in my disease. I see it everywhere at home and in the office and I am so damn thankful I am not that girl anymore. But again it is just weird to be put back into my life but it's not my life or well-that wasn't really my life to begin with. You know?



I guess what I'm getting at is that there's so much happening and I'm HAPPY and I'm scared to admit that I am happy.



I come home and am so used to being pushed to my limits of time and the amount of things I can accomplish in a day it feels weird to not have plans, to be able to read for an hour if I want. I don't know if I'm explaining this right, but...



Nothing is really wrong. And I guess I'm not used to that.



Goodnight and God bless :)



Oh PS I'm making dinner. I NEVER DO THIS. I always just had salad and pre-cut chicken or crab. But I have rice on the stove (which is way too watery) and chicken sausage and green beans. And yes I put butter in my rice. BOOYA!